how the good place changed my relationship with my anxiety
Last edited February 2020
“You know the sound that a fork makes in a garbage disposal? That’s the sound my brain makes all the time” - Chidi Anagonye The Good Place season 2 episode 9: Best Self
Before The Good Place blessed our screens with the lovable nerd, Chidi Anagonye, I had never seen a character on TV that personified my experiences with anxiety so accurately.
Anxiety manifests itself in everyone differently; different things can trigger different responses in people who live with it. For me, it generally takes up a tremendous amount of energy and causes physical symptoms such as fatigue, stomach-aches, headaches, hand numbness (this one’s new) and just an overall constant feeling of panic and dread. I suffered through these symptoms for a couple years before I was able to put a name to what I was feeling; it’s always easier to confront your demons when you can call them out by name. I found The Good Place during a particularly rough time for my mental health (looking at you 2018), but seeing Chidi deal with some of the same emotions I was struggling with while fighting against actual demons, and still finding a way to be a better person, helped me realize that I wasn’t alone.
At his core, Chidi is a good person who is so desperate to make good choices and be the best version of himself, that he ends up in The Bad Place because of his inability to trust in himself to make decisions. Chidi’s indecision is often exaggerated for comedic effect, but I don’t see this as the show poking fun at anxiety. In fact, the absurdity of some of the choices Chidi has to make and the scenarios he has to pull himself and his friends out of, has helped me become more self-aware of how ridiculous it feels to be stuck in a loop of indecision and overthinking. I hope it wouldn’t take me two hours to choose a hat, like Chidi did during the Judge’s first test, but I know it takes me a ridiculous amount of time to choose projects to work on or commit to topics to write about without second-guessing myself about making the right choice. I’ve never felt the need to start crying because I couldn’t decide on a muffin, but there have been many days where panic attacks are sometimes triggered by something ‘small’ because I’ve been worried about something else for days and decided that shoving my feelings aside was the best way for me to get things done. We both manifest physical symptoms when we’re worried, we put others’ happiness before our own, even if it adds to our discomfort, and we have a tendency to overthink the risks involved in our choices.
Chidi’s journey has helped me learn to appreciate the uncertainties of life rather than fear them. Being able to see parts of myself in Chidi, a character who has otherwise had a completely different life and experience than my own, has allowed me to see how my life could be if I continue to let my anxiety decide (or rather not decide) my behavior, but it has also helped me to realize that everyone else is struggling in their own way. Reaching out for help isn’t weak, being vulnerable and opening up to my friends, family, even strangers on the internet about my anxiety isn’t weak. My anxiety doesn’t have to be my enemy. I can learn how to acknowledge it and let it be, without letting it rule my life. I don’t have to let myself go into a nihilistic peeps-chili spiral whenever things in my life seem to go off course. Will I still have bad mental health days? Of course. My anxiety will always be a part of me, and I know I can’t change that. As Michael points out often throughout the show, humans and the lives we lead are inherently unpredictable and therefore it’s impossible to know the answer to everything. Chidi is sure of himself the most when he finally accepts that he won’t ever find the definite answers to the universe and its intricacies that he has spent his life searching for. He learns to accept the uncertainties of existence, and with that acceptance he finds a peace within himself that allows him to eventually walk into the unknown, through the final door in The Good Place. And while we unfortunately can’t all have the confidence granted by downloading hundreds of different versions of ourselves into our brain at once, we can work everyday to be a little better than we were yesterday. And don’t we at least owe it to each other, and ourselves, to try?